Day 23

Day 23 - Something you crave for a lot

Hmm! Did you see yesterdays post? About these guys?

Yea! I crave those. A lot.

Also these

And last, but certainly not least

Hunter's Day

It's hard for me to believe that 4 years ago today, I was in the hospital (still waiting at 1:51PM) for my little Squirt to be born. At this point, we were confident he would be born that day, but we had already had a difficult journey with the whole labor/delivery process.

Hunter's birth story started on October 30th, 2006. It was a Monday. Chase had Monday's off at the time - and we had a full day planned. We were 2 weeks from our due date (November 11th). We drove to the fire station and had them install the car seat in Chase's Audi and give Chase a lesson on how to do it properly so he could repeat in my car. I had a routine checkup that afternoon. Everything was going swell - although our doctor started discussing with us the fact that she would be out of town for a few days before my due date. Ideally, she wanted to induce me on Nov. 6th to insure she did not miss our delivery. We had all assumed at this point in time I would go past my due date. Having a baby earlier sounded great to me! I was DONE being pregnant.

During our ultrasound (I had many of them as I had low amniotic fluid throughout my pregnancy) she noticed again that our fluid was approaching dangerously low. She wanted us to induce that night. At that point in time, I didn't really understand what an "induction" was - all I knew was that I wanted my baby and I wanted him NOW. After confirming with us that we wouldn't mind if our baby was born on Halloween (no way, I thought it would be super cool!), she scheduled us to come back at 8PM. Chase and I continued our plans for the day, and went and saw The Prestige. I don't remember a single thing about that movie - my mind and heart were doing flips and back flips as I anticipated Squirt making his entrance the very next day!

We went home and made the last minute additions to our hospital bags (which were...half way packed or so). Chase ate dinner. I stared at some Raman Noodles (in retrospect, I should have eaten! A lot!) And then, we headed off to the hospital, anxious as can be.

When I was checking into L&D, the nurses started freaking out! They were looking at their charts and notebooks, trying to figure out what doctor had scheduled a premature delivery. I had to point out to them that I was 38 weeks, and despite my tiny belly, I was ready to have a full term baby. I think their sighs of relief were audible. Anyways, we got settled in and they inserted a pill (Cytotec) near my cervix that supposedly would soften things up down there while simulating contractions. I was dilated to 0.

Throughout that first night, I had contractions on and off. I didn't sleep very much, or very well. My back hurt. A lot. At the time, I wasn't sure if it was back labor, or if it was just the bed and my preggo belly - it was definitely contractions and back labor. At 4AM, they started me on Pitocin - the drug that jump starts labor. They told Chase and I that they would continually increase it (if I needed it) until they reached a certain "limit." I don't know the numbers - although I'm sure my husband does.

We had a few visitors throughout that day. My mom's work told her to take the day off as she needed to be with me - so she spent the entire day with us - and others popped in and out. Although I was still in pain for the majority of the day, it wasn't anything unmanageable. The hardest part that I remember is that I wasn't allowed any food - just broth and ice chips. Yum! My doctor came in and out throughout the day to check on my progress - Unfortunately, I just wasn't making any, regardless of the fact she broke my water early in the day. I had some wonderful nurses though that were trying to attempt to help me along. I believe they manually dilated me to a 2 sometime on Tuesday. As the day progressed, the amount of Pitocin they were pumping into me increased as well.

By Tuesday night, I had made very little progress. They decided to insert a foley catheter. It's job is to slowly inflate a balloon dealy with water right up against your cervix. Let me tell ya...it's not very comfortable. No, let me rephrase that. It's awful. Completely horrendous. I sang my ABC's to get me through my contractions (no, I didn't learn that at my birthing classes, I came up with it all on my own, spur of the moment!). They told our guests that we wouldn't have a baby that night (I might have cried), so they should go home and call and check in the morning. Around 11 that night, my night nurse came and told me that I really needed to get some sleep. UM YA! Like that was going to happen...I was still singing my ABCs through very, very painful contractions. She said our doctor insisted that I get some sleep, and we needed to do whatever was necessary to make that happen...so, she brought in the narcotics! For 10 minutes at a time, every 25 minutes, I felt blissfully wonderful and was able to sleep. And then the pain came back with such force it woke me up and brought me to tears every time. Chase was dead asleep at this point in time - lucky him! After a few rounds of that, our nurse told me it just wasn't working, and we needed an epidural. I really didn't want one as I hadn't really dilated at all (I wasn't opposed to having an epidural, just didn't want one until I was further along)- but they really wouldn't give me a choice in the matter at the point. Chase woke up. And a few hours later, we met Malcolm. He's the only part of our staff who I remember clearly (aside from our doctor) - and it was 3AM, 31 hours into labor! Malcolm was hilarious - and although I had never had an anesthesiologist before, he was definitely the best I ever had! He made jokes constantly while inserting a needle into my back. Chase still won't describe the needle to me, and that's probably a good thing. And after Malcolm left, life was just SO much better. I fell asleep and other than being checked on every hour or so, it was a great rest of the night. Ahh. Love epidurals!

The next morning, our guests arrived again. Our doctor arrived. We were all ready for her to check my progress and tell me I slept through the rest of my labor and that I was almost ready to push. Ha! She told me I was 2. Still. Still. Still. Still a 2. It was heart breaking. Especially since I had had pretty much constant contractions since early in the day Tuesday.

They raised the Pitocin. Throughout Wednesday, they continued to raise it. By Wednesday afternoon, it was so high that they had gone over their "limit" for how much Pitocin they would give me. My heart rate was becoming irregular. I was dizzy and pretty out of it. I felt incredibly drugged. I didn't really understand what was happening at that point. A nurse kindly dilated me to a 3. With an epidural, that was a much better experience than the first time around.

Around 4, my doctor came to check me. Still a 3. She gave us two choices - A. Continue what we were doing. Check in a few hours. If I wasn't dilated more, we would have a C-Section. B. Go have the C-Section right then. As she told us her choices, I was crying, more and more. I didn't really want to have a C-Section. I also really didn't want to keep doing what we were doing. I wanted a choice C, but of course, there isn't really one of those. I didn't know what to decide. I was a mess. I was sobbing. My heart rate sky rocketed. So did Squirt's. Chase stepped in, took the doctor into the hall and told her we needed to have a C-Section now. He was becoming increasingly worried about me and Hunter throughout that afternoon. I was so out of it and loopy. I'm so happy he made that decision for us - it was a decision was I unable to make, and I needed him to step up then and he did. They got us prepped for surgery and away we went.

After a routine C-Section with no complications (other than the typical shaking, trembling, shivering and throwing up), Hunter Logan was born at 5:36PM on Wednesday, November 1st, 2006 - 45 hours after labor started. Chase was able to see him immediately, cut his cord, and hold him right away. He brought him to me as soon as he could (I spent some time afterwards puking in a bed pan) - I was able to see him, touch him, and give him a kiss. They took Chase and Hunter away as they finished sewing me back up. It was only 14 minutes from the time Hunter was born until they were ready to wheel me out of surgery - but to me, it felt like a small lifetime. I really thought hours had gone by. All I wanted was to go see how Hunter was. I wanted to hold him SO bad. When they finally wheeled me out of the room, I looked at the clock and it was 5:50PM. After getting back into my room, Chase brought me Hunter and I was FINALLY able to hold my baby and feed him. It was a wonderful moment, and right then, nothing else mattered.

Hunter was an incredibly healthy little boy, who did wonderfully on his APGAR tests. In the hospital, he barely cried at all. He was content, and completely at ease with his new world. The first night was tough for me as Hunter's bassinet was clear across the room from me -and even though he slept, and I was exhausted, I just stared at his bassinet. I couldn't really see him. I didn't really know that he was okay. I was very worried. Chase was getting some much needed sleep. And I just continued to stare -unable to move to go check on him. Finally, a nurse came and asked me if I wanted her to take him to the nursery. Although I really didn't, I needed to sleep, and there was nothing I could do for Hunter from my bed, so I let her. They brought him in to me every few hours to feed - but other than that, he spent the night in the nursery. Although it makes me a little bit sad, I was thankful for that, and I needed it.

The next morning, I was able to get up and walk around, eat breakfast, and start recovering. My recovery went very well, and I had little pain. We spent the next 2 days at the hospital (with Hunter rooming with us for the rest of our stay), and were finally able to go home on Saturday.

While I don't regret or have bad feelings over my labor, I know that it will never happen again. Our next child will either come on his/her own or I will have a scheduled C-Section. Either way is fine with me - I just know that being induced was not for me. In the end, I got a healthy, wonderful baby boy - but the means to get there weren't good for anyone.

Whew!

What a weekend it has been in our house already! Between Halloween and Hunter's birthday, we've been busy, busy, busy! Two things (aside from a post of ISO) are coming soon - Hunter's birthday post, as well as a birth story post - something I relive every year to remind myself why I hated being pregnant. It's makes a little bit happier to remind myself of that when I'm angry at other things. :) Anywho's keeping up with 30 days of blogging...

Day 20 - Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future

I don't see myself marrying anyone other than my husband. I haven't seen that for a long, long time -even if we were states away and not in a relationship for a long period of time. Even if I was in other relationships - it always came down to the fact that he wasn't Chase. No one was ever going to be the same as my Chase. I told Chase soon after we met that we were going to get married someday - at 18, he thought I was crazy. Guess I'm not so crazy after all!

Day 21 - A picture of something that makes you happy

For me, when my husband brings me home a Slurpee, it's like he's brought me flowers or jewelery. I know he was thinking about me, and wanting to do something special for me. Slurpees get me every time! I love them! I'm pretty sure I'm going to go get one now - who cares if it's 8AM. It's 5:00 somewhere?? :)

Day 22 - What makes you different from everyone else

A lot of things! I'll start with the fact that Chase I didn't do this "conventionally." I was pregnant with Hunter at 20 - I was freaked out when I told Chase I was pregnant - so scared he was going to leave me (I did give him that option). But what Chase did next describes the basis for the next 5 years of our life - when I told him, he asked me why I was crying. He told me I didn't need to be crying - that it was okay - we would make it work. And we have. We waited two years to get married - we didn't want to marry because of Hunter - we wanted to marry for us -and we did. I see a lot of couples marrying because of getting pregnant - and while I've seen it work out - I've also seen it not work out - and knew it wasn't for us. We were lucky enough to live with my parent's for the first 18 months of Hunter's life while we saved our money. Because of their generosity, we were able to buy our first house when I was 22 and Chase was 23. And, since I was pregnant - I've felt that it was important to me to stay with my son at home for as long as possible. Through some creative thinking, and my business adventures, it's worked out well thus far. We might not always have everything we want - but we have everything we need - for now, that's plenty!

My camera has a manual mode?

Ah! My first photography post - and we have Little Monkey Bizness to thank for it. Nothing like entertaining the kiddos (ie: Hunter and Saxon) with jumping, bouncing, sliding, and climbing while I sit, drink my iced caramel macchiato (do you know how long it just took me to spell macchiato?) and blog.

My parents were wonderful enough to see that I might actually have talent for taking pictures and invested in my future with my first digital SLR camera in 2005 - it was a Canon XT Rebel (which I also tried to purchase for myself, and got scammed...that shall be a story for another day). Anyways, on a trip back to visit, my Dad went out and put my camera on his business card and thus, Mom and Dad got me started into my future. I had never used a SLR before - I had never really taken actual photography classes before - all I knew was that I liked taking pictures. So, for the first years (it's embarrassing to admit) I took pictures in automatic mode. Ahh! I know. I cringe thinking about it today...but it's only shows how much I've grown.

When I first realized my camera had a "manual mode" I was trying to take pictures of Christmas lights. Another photographer helped me to start learning outside of automatic mode and I successfully took some pictures of Christmas lights that year. (Please excuse this photo - it was stolen from my Myspace account - I'll load the actual, much better quality version of it when I'm not at Monkey Bizness).

Since then, I've been learning more and more about things like ISO, white balance, aperture, and shutter speed. And I'm going to start telling all of YOU about those things so, if you're an automatic mode shooter too, you can start to learn how to cringe when someone says "automatic." It's almost like learning to drive a stick (which I can't do, btw).

Nowadays, I will shoot in automatic mode ONLY if I find myself in a desperate situation where I know my camera manual settings are all over the place due to taking a crazy shot and I need to get a picture taken RIGHT THAT SECOND.

So if you need help learning the different modes of your camera, stay tuned. Tutorials coming soon!

Day 19

Day 19 - Nicknames you have; why do you have them

I have had a lot of nicknames through the years! Holly is an easy name to nickname I think.

When I was little, my Mom would call me HollyWolly or Little Miss Hollywood and my Dad would call me HollyDolly. My sisters and Mom always called me Holly Kristina (not my name - it's Holly Kristeen. My brother-in-law used to call me HollyMolly.

In high school, I was "Hollah" and that lasted through a few Best Buy's - and now, I'm mostly just Holly, or Mommy.

Chase has always called me Crazy - he thinks I am - I am not. Lately, he's taken to referring to me as a dead fish - I'm hoping that one doesn't last long. For the record, he calls me dead fish because I'm always cold.

I've gotten bad at this "daily" stuff

Day 16 - Another picture of yourself

I don't really like posting pictures of just me...but, if you're going to insist, this was taken while snorkeling in the Dominican Republic. My hair was really long then - I almost miss it. Almost.

Day 17 - Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why

This answer is going to be a little bit lame - I'll warn you now - but there is a blogger out there by the name of MckMama. In the blogging world, she's a bit of a household name. I've been following her for a long time - I believe her for a long time. But slowly, with a lot of things she said, she started to contradict herself. A lot. Things seemed to be "off." So, then, I started researching, and came across another blog site that has a lot of proof that she lies continuously. It made me a little bit mad - because I loved her. But, she just won't come out and admit the truths - so, I'd like to switch lives with her for one day, so I could come clean for her. It can't be fun living a life full of lies when you're being called out on it...and I don't want to ruin her life (it seems she's done enough of that on her own), but, I think everyone who followed her for years and years should be told the truth.

Day 18 - Plans/dreams/goals you have

I have a lot of plans and goals. Here's just a few:

*Have another child

*Don't ever put my kids in daycare

*Go to Austrailia and New Zealand

*Go sailing with my husband

*Continue to grow my business

*Read as much as humanly possible

*Own a small dog

*Own a house with a yard. And a garage. In a nice neighborhood. With good schools. Within walking distance.

*Be a great wife.

Day 15

Day 15 - Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play

This is fun! Except I don't have an Ipod. Actually, I think Ipod's are really lame. In general, I think Apple is really lame even though I kinda sorta almost but not really want a Macbook. That's only because sometimes I'm a follower and when every other photographer I know has a Mac, I want to follow. But as my husband has told me many many times, our PCs do what I need them to do, and he knows how to fix them when they don't do what we need them to do. This is getting off subject.

I don't have an Ipod. I sorta share a MP3 player with my husband, although, it really is his (a Valentine's Day gift - the necklace he bought me is way better...). Usually, when I want music, I turn my Blackberry or PC to Pandora and stream away. l love Pandora. Anyways, I DO have a playlist.com account where I store music for when I really need to listen to a certain song. So, I'll put that on shuffle and we'll see where we go. I have several different playlists on Playlist.com, however, I'm going to shuffle my "I go back" list and see if I can't dig up some memories.

1. "You'll think of me" Keith Urban

When I was living in Tucson, I had a boyfriend who was really a bad boyfriend to have. Not that he wasn't a good guy, because, for the most part, he was, but we were a bad couple. I don't like admitting that I used him, but I did - although I didn't realize it at the time. We had a lot of issues - most of which stemmed from the fact that I was in love with Chase and was only lying to myself trying to live a life without him. Anyways, when our relationship got to the worst points - right in the few months before I left Tucson - I listened to this song a lot. Mostly, I liked the part that said "Take your cat and leave my sweater" because we had a cat together, who I took. Anyways, I do think of him from time to time - we did have some great times, and he did mean a lot to me - but we are definitely better apart than together. He's one of the only guys from my past that I feel no reason to have a relationship with today - I have most of the others Facebooked - but, when I left Tucson, I left him behind, and he left me behind, and we moved on happily. Or at least, I hope he did.

2. "Little Black Back Pack" Stroke 9

I don't really think this song has any real meaning to me - except that my best friend, Mandy, introduced me to the song, and I loved it. I still do. That was a lot of years ago.

3. "Someday We'll Know" Mandy Moore, Jonathan Foreman

I used to really love Mandy Moore (well, I really still do actually), and I remember driving around in my first car, a 1990 blue Eclipse listening to this song. I listened to it a lot actually after I broke up with one my first "real" boyfriends, Adam. That was also a bad relationship (lol), but the song sort of fit at the time. It wasn't a bad breakup - "If I could ask God just one question...Why aren't you here with me? Someday we'll know, if love can move a mountain, someday we'll know, why the sky is blue. Someday we'll know why I wasn't meant for you." We were both young, and silly in "love" - although I soon found out that that love was really "puppy love." When we broke up, it was just because it wasn't working, we were young, and we wanted different things. We remained friends for awhile and although have lost touch over the years, this song will probably always remind me of him.

4. "It's Gonna Be Love" Mandy Moore

This is sort of embarrassing! I told you I loved Mandy Moore! :) This was one of my favorite songs around the time I was 15-16 or so. I remember that I had my own personal phone line (and answering machine of course) and the chorus of this song was the message on my machine. I was such a nerd. My answering machine was green though - cool, huh?

5. "I Go Back" Kenny Chesney

Well, isn't this song fitting?? My Mom bought me this CD for my last Easter at home. Oh - sorry - the Easter bunny bought me this CD. So this was a song of the last few months of my senior year, my last summer at home and my first few months in Phoenix. I always liked listening to it, and thinking about my past. It didn't really "fit" me, but it did get me thinking about certain songs that did make me go back. Some of which, I'm describing to you tonight. :) "Every time I hear that song, I go back. We all have a song that somehow stamped our lives - takes us to another place and time"

6. "Fake It" Seether

I think all I need to say about this song, is that it is another one from Tucson. I was a little messed up at that point of time in my life.

7. "Bouncing Off the Walls Again" Sugarcult

Oh, Ryan! I had a lot of boys in my life when I was a teenager...man! Ryan was a friend of mine - he was an "older, cooler, college guy" who took an interest in me because he thought he could solve my life problems for me, or something like that. I liked him more than I probably should have - but - he was always just a friend - and typically a phone friend since college wasn't near my house. He made me listen to this song one time - and I was hooked.

8. "Your Guardian Angel" Red Jump Suit Apparatus

Aww - this really isn't a blast from the past (or at least not the far past) but when Chase and I were discussing the playlist for our wedding, we didn't agree on much. Chase and I have VERY different tastes in music (seriously, who likes Modest Mouse??) Well, I was really frustrated with the whole process - I didn't feel like he was taking it seriously, and more than half of what he was suggesting was far from wedding music...and then he played this song - and I knew I could marry him. I love this song so much now that it's even a ringer on my phone. And...I'm trying to embrace his music more (but seriously, who likes Modest Mouse??)

9. "Welcome to my Life" Simple Plan

This is song is bad, bad memories for me. My lovely sister (she truly is lovely) bought me this CD for my first Christmas in Phoenix. I was missing home really bad. I was missing Chase really bad. I was missing high school really bad. I was not doing well in Phoenix. I had said bf who we discussed above - but - he (and his friends) were very different from me, and did very different things than I was used to. I didn't want to spend Christmas with them - I wanted to be home with my family. The kicker for me came Christmas night when they sat around on the driveway, with a bonfire in the middle, and smoked weed. I don't smoke. Ever. And certainly not pot. This was a ritual for them, and I was always uncomfortable...but Christmas? Who smokes weed on Christmas? Not me. So I got into my wonderful rental - a 2005 Nissan Altima with 500 miles on it - and drove circles on the 101 listening to this CD and talking...to Chase. He saved me. And I'll always love him for that.

10. "Bubbly" Colbie Caillat

I love this song. I used to sing this song to Hunter when he was a baby. I would tickle his little toes. It always makes me smile when I hear this song and I think about how little he was. "You give me feelings that I adore. They start in my toes, make me crinkle my noes. Wherever it goes, I always know. That you make smile, please stay for awhile now, just take your time, wherever you go"

This is fun. Can I keep going?

11. "Lucky" Jason Mraz, Colbie Caillat

This is our song. Me and Chase. We listened to this song dozens upon dozens of times while we practiced our dance. It took us forever and a day to decide on a song - but the first time I heard this song, I was hooked. I loved it. Chase didn't mind it. It was totally a winner! I do really feel like Chase is my best friend - he has saved me so many times. He's protected me when I didn't want to be protected. And I am lucky. I know I'm lucky. And I won't ever let go. And in fact - Chase is away this weekend, so I just sent him part of that song in a voice message. I'm such a nerd at 11:21 at night.

12. "Anything But Mine" Kenny Chesney

This is me being lame. It's about another boy (duh!). Jellybean. Jellybean was an important part of my life - he was sort of...I don't even know. He was one of the greatest people to ever come into my life. He showed me a lot about love - and how powerful love could be. There was a lot of hurt and a lot of emotion in our short relationship - but we came out on top - friends. Jellybean came along after one of the many Chase breakups - and he was the first person to get me to realize that I might have a life outside of Chase. We spent an amazing summer together at the end of my senior year. At the end of the day - we wanted different things from our relationship and we weren't right for each other right then. There's no doubt in my mind that had we come into each other's lives 5 years down the road that we wouldn't have been together forever. I truly did love him - and he's one of the two people that I can say that about. There's a plan for everything though, and my plan has always been Chase - but Jellybean showed me so much, and help me grow and experience life in a different way - and for that - I am so grateful.

Alright, I think I'll end there. It's late, and I think I went pretty far down memory lane. For tonight - know this - I miss my husband, and I can't wait until he comes home tomorrow. This weekend has been fun for Nut and I, but I'm ready to see Chase, ready for my hugs and kisses. It was a little bit of a hard weekend for me emotionally - and - I feel ready to talk to my husband about the things that have been hurting me lately - so hopefully he can see that my bad mood was sort of justified.