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Friday, September 17, 2010

Questioning Faith

I applaud and admire people who are so strong in their faith that the biggest tragedies only make them stronger. I am inspired by the good they can see out of terrible situations. I read their stories day after day, hoping and even praying that my faith can be that strong. But at this point, it's not, and it's something I try to work on every day.

I've never been a very religious person when it comes to organized religion. I have always had my beliefs and have chosen to live my beliefs in my life, with my family, and not in any other sort of group. I've tried churches and youth groups in the past, but just found that sharing my faith openly with others wasn't something I was comfortable with, and it may all stem from not be confident in my faith myself.

Lately, I've found myself questioning my faith, and my belief in God so much more than ever before. In the past year, I experienced a loss that made me look at myself, my life, and my faith. Since my loss, I had hope that I could grow stronger, and realize that everything happens for a reason, and that God has a plan. Unfortunately, it just hasn't happened that way.

I see and read about so many people struggling with infertility. People that will spend thousands and thousands of dollars on treatments in hopes of having a baby of their own. People who have heart wrenching stories about loss that I can't even try to comprehend. My husband and I have a wonderful little boy, and no plans in the immediate future to add to our family, but we did have a miscarriage last summer. Even though at the time, we were not trying for a baby, the feeling of that loss still carries with me today. I don't necessarily want another baby right now...but I want that baby -- so, so badly.

And then you read stories, and perhaps even have people in your own life, who don't cherish the babies in their life or can't provide for the babies they have. It's so hard for me to have faith in God when I see babies who didn't even have a chance from the start when there are so many people out there who would give anything to have a baby, or who were wonderful parents and have had a baby taken away. Why would God do this? To make you stronger? What about all those babies from 20 years ago in the same situation that are now either dead - on drugs - alcoholics - abusers - killers - robbers - or just repeating the same pattern and bringing another into this world.

I still have hope that I can increase my faith, and learn to trust that God has a greater plan. I want so badly to believe His journey for me is really that - His journey for me. I'm just really having trouble right now.

2 comments:

-c-h-i-e said...

Hi, I found your blog through your post in BlogFrog...I can understand the trouble and confusion you may have right now. I hope you'll continue to read your Bible and I want to share with you also this sermon from our church a while...
http://www.graceky.org/sermons/20100321.mp3
May the Holy Spirit open you heart to this message...God bless!

Susi said...

Hi Holly, I also found you on blogfrog. I understand your frustration and I do agree with them... but we don't have to understand everything that happens to us. I don't believe that everything happens for a reason. Some things just happen. I too hope you'll continue to read the Bible and that God will let you feel that you are loved and cared about, and guide you on your journey. I'm also struggling very hard right now to sort of keep my head above the surface, due to illness and stuff. But I cling to God's promises, that he'll never leave us, and even if we try to hide away from him, he's there right beside us.

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