Questioning Faith

I applaud and admire people who are so strong in their faith that the biggest tragedies only make them stronger. I am inspired by the good they can see out of terrible situations. I read their stories day after day, hoping and even praying that my faith can be that strong. But at this point, it's not, and it's something I try to work on every day.

I've never been a very religious person when it comes to organized religion. I have always had my beliefs and have chosen to live my beliefs in my life, with my family, and not in any other sort of group. I've tried churches and youth groups in the past, but just found that sharing my faith openly with others wasn't something I was comfortable with, and it may all stem from not be confident in my faith myself.

Lately, I've found myself questioning my faith, and my belief in God so much more than ever before. In the past year, I experienced a loss that made me look at myself, my life, and my faith. Since my loss, I had hope that I could grow stronger, and realize that everything happens for a reason, and that God has a plan. Unfortunately, it just hasn't happened that way.

I see and read about so many people struggling with infertility. People that will spend thousands and thousands of dollars on treatments in hopes of having a baby of their own. People who have heart wrenching stories about loss that I can't even try to comprehend. My husband and I have a wonderful little boy, and no plans in the immediate future to add to our family, but we did have a miscarriage last summer. Even though at the time, we were not trying for a baby, the feeling of that loss still carries with me today. I don't necessarily want another baby right now...but I want that baby -- so, so badly.

And then you read stories, and perhaps even have people in your own life, who don't cherish the babies in their life or can't provide for the babies they have. It's so hard for me to have faith in God when I see babies who didn't even have a chance from the start when there are so many people out there who would give anything to have a baby, or who were wonderful parents and have had a baby taken away. Why would God do this? To make you stronger? What about all those babies from 20 years ago in the same situation that are now either dead - on drugs - alcoholics - abusers - killers - robbers - or just repeating the same pattern and bringing another into this world.

I still have hope that I can increase my faith, and learn to trust that God has a greater plan. I want so badly to believe His journey for me is really that - His journey for me. I'm just really having trouble right now.